IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
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Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
you gotta be faster
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter