I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
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*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Chicago sounds lovely.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend