Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
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The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Okey dokey.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
That’s what I call a flat tire
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.