“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
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“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Y’all ready for this
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.