Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
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6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.