[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
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How it started How it’s going
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
me and the Superbowl rn
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Hotels are back
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.