I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
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[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
These work great until they don’t.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.