i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
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Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Autocarrot sucks!
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no