Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
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I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver