Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
You Might Also Like
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I love art.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!