Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
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Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.