Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
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cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me: