I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
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Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote