I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
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I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
blocked.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.