Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
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Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶