All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
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If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.