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Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
🙄😏😂🤣
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN