2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
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What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
There is no “we” in pizza
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
They’re stuck in your pants?
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles