If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
You Might Also Like
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie