I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
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Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Natty or not?
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard