*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
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Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs