[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
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I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Saw online –
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.