I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
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Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.