Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
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Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.