‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
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if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…