“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
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how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
“What?”
– Jude
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Has there ever been a more American story?
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
WHY?!
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
saw this in a dream
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Nice try, NASA
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.