I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
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“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?