I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
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We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.