Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
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Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Would you wear it?
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔