feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
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The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”