GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
You Might Also Like
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
What the hell happened in there??
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
dutch is not a serious language
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.