Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
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one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
craving $300 all of a sudden
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.