The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
You Might Also Like
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing