Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
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Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.