(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
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“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Namaste
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
That’s fair
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me