I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
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Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
so much to do
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.