It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
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Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Worth the read.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
is this how new cars are made??
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”