Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
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I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
There is no “we” in pizza
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
incredible book dedication
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
selfie game
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.