happy mother’s day❤️
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[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”