Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
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Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
started wrapping my pills in cheese