Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
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I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.