am i feeling hopeful about the future?
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*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Has there ever been a more American story?
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Body by sandwich.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.