I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
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I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season