I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
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Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.