Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
You Might Also Like
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
your honor my client chooses dare
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Doormats are a gateway rug.