First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
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FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Just a phase…
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.