I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
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My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.