“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
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nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.