Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
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[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass