shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
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Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
pizza
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.